My inspiration for my project is my son, Jesse Tollakson, who enlisted in the Minnesota National Guard after high school graduation in 2001. As his deployment date was approaching to serve in Afghanistan, he received an Honorable Discharge. He was discharged for a depressive disorder, plus physical complications during training for war.
The Army later 're-called' Jesse back for the reason that they needed him to serve in Afghanistan. Within two weeks, he was on a plane to join a Nevada troop, 1-221ST CAVALRY, 11TH ACR BLACK HORSE Squadron,...a troop of soldiers he had never met or trained with before. Jesse made friends quickly and soon became a respected ‘brother’. He was an outstanding soldier...fighting for our Country, which he loved. He was awarded several medals of Honor for his outstanding maneuvers.
The Army later 're-called' Jesse back for the reason that they needed him to serve in Afghanistan. Within two weeks, he was on a plane to join a Nevada troop, 1-221ST CAVALRY, 11TH ACR BLACK HORSE Squadron,...a troop of soldiers he had never met or trained with before. Jesse made friends quickly and soon became a respected ‘brother’. He was an outstanding soldier...fighting for our Country, which he loved. He was awarded several medals of Honor for his outstanding maneuvers.
Jesse returned to the U.S.A., specifically, to his hometown of Dawson, MN. This would be the beginning of some of the toughest days in Jesse's life. He began to suffer from all the symptoms of PTSD. His PTSD was severe to the point that he was lawfully deemed 100% disabled.
The most common coping mechanism for our combat vets who suffer from PTSD is self-medication through alcohol and drugs. Jesse, still suffering from his extremely turbulent PTSD, heads in that direction. He reached the point of feeling hopeless and had become consumed with suicidal ideations. Out of his ultimate desperation, he sought out help through the Minnesota VA and enrolled in a three-month inpatient program at one of their facilities for PTSD rehabilitation.
Nightmares and sleep disturbances are common with PTSD. The use of heavy medications can help patients sleep better and reduce other effects of the condition. The side effects of these medications are dizziness, low blood pressure, tiredness, nausea, and headaches. I remember when speaking with Jesse on the phone, he would complain of his tiredness and often had to go because he was too tired to talk. Although the program was very mentally draining, Jesse had been making great progress.
On November 21, 2012, the day before Thanksgiving, and with just two weeks left to go at the VA Center, Jesse was allowed to drive home (a one-and-a-half-hour drive) for an overnight to celebrate Thanksgiving the next day with his family. His wife, Lynette, and two children, Chandler and Chastin, were waiting anxiously for his arrival. His arrival came in the form of two police officers and a local clergyman who, sadly, had to inform them that Jesse had been killed in an automobile accident while on his way home. The accident report is written that Jesse had fallen asleep while driving, swerved over the center line, and had been struck by a tractor-trailer. One has to wonder…was it all of the medication he was prescribed that made him fall asleep?
I, living in New York at that time, received a phone call from Jesse’s father, David Tollakson, who lives in Dawson, MN. That would be the phone call that every parent fears more than anything else in the world! David was crying and said to me "We don't have a son anymore".
I remember, being all alone in my house, extremely frantic, and not being able to breathe. Then the thought…this is just a horrible nightmare! My only child was gone. He was just 29 years old.
I felt basically immobilized for the first two years. Through extensive therapy, great family and friends, plus additional medication for my own depression, in the third year I began to feel some joy in my life again. Although this tragedy is something I will never fully accept, I have made great strides in learning to cope. My mission is to memorialize Jesse however possible and to help others.
I have made donations to various PTSD programs since Jesse’s death. Although I am an accountant by trade, I was somehow inspired (maybe Jesse?) to use my creativity in the making of handbags and selling them so that I would have the means to donate more than I typically do.
I have chosen to donate all proceeds of my handbag sales to TRR (Trauma and Resiliency Resources). I encourage you to learn more about their successful programs, especially their Warrior Camp at http://www.trrhelp.org/.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story,
Tamara Murphy
The most common coping mechanism for our combat vets who suffer from PTSD is self-medication through alcohol and drugs. Jesse, still suffering from his extremely turbulent PTSD, heads in that direction. He reached the point of feeling hopeless and had become consumed with suicidal ideations. Out of his ultimate desperation, he sought out help through the Minnesota VA and enrolled in a three-month inpatient program at one of their facilities for PTSD rehabilitation.
Nightmares and sleep disturbances are common with PTSD. The use of heavy medications can help patients sleep better and reduce other effects of the condition. The side effects of these medications are dizziness, low blood pressure, tiredness, nausea, and headaches. I remember when speaking with Jesse on the phone, he would complain of his tiredness and often had to go because he was too tired to talk. Although the program was very mentally draining, Jesse had been making great progress.
On November 21, 2012, the day before Thanksgiving, and with just two weeks left to go at the VA Center, Jesse was allowed to drive home (a one-and-a-half-hour drive) for an overnight to celebrate Thanksgiving the next day with his family. His wife, Lynette, and two children, Chandler and Chastin, were waiting anxiously for his arrival. His arrival came in the form of two police officers and a local clergyman who, sadly, had to inform them that Jesse had been killed in an automobile accident while on his way home. The accident report is written that Jesse had fallen asleep while driving, swerved over the center line, and had been struck by a tractor-trailer. One has to wonder…was it all of the medication he was prescribed that made him fall asleep?
I, living in New York at that time, received a phone call from Jesse’s father, David Tollakson, who lives in Dawson, MN. That would be the phone call that every parent fears more than anything else in the world! David was crying and said to me "We don't have a son anymore".
I remember, being all alone in my house, extremely frantic, and not being able to breathe. Then the thought…this is just a horrible nightmare! My only child was gone. He was just 29 years old.
I felt basically immobilized for the first two years. Through extensive therapy, great family and friends, plus additional medication for my own depression, in the third year I began to feel some joy in my life again. Although this tragedy is something I will never fully accept, I have made great strides in learning to cope. My mission is to memorialize Jesse however possible and to help others.
I have made donations to various PTSD programs since Jesse’s death. Although I am an accountant by trade, I was somehow inspired (maybe Jesse?) to use my creativity in the making of handbags and selling them so that I would have the means to donate more than I typically do.
I have chosen to donate all proceeds of my handbag sales to TRR (Trauma and Resiliency Resources). I encourage you to learn more about their successful programs, especially their Warrior Camp at http://www.trrhelp.org/.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story,
Tamara Murphy
